What Is Forgiveness, Really? (And Why Is It So Hard?)

We’ve all heard the phrases:

“Forgive and forget.”
“Forgiveness is for you, not them.”
“Let it go.”

They sound simple. Almost easy.

But real forgiveness — the kind that follows betrayal, deep hurt, broken trust, or emotional wounds — doesn’t feel simple at all. It can feel confusing, layered, and even impossible.

So what is forgiveness, really? Why does it take so long? And why do feelings come back even when we think we’ve “moved on”?

This was on my heart today, so let’s talk about the truth of it.

First: Forgiveness Does Not Mean…

Before we define forgiveness, we have to clear up what it isn’t:

Forgiveness does not mean:

Saying what happened was okay
Excusing harmful behavior
Letting someone back into your life
Trusting them again
Forgetting the pain
Pretending you weren’t hurt

Forgiveness is not approval.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not weakness.

So Then… What Is Forgiveness?

At its core, forgiveness is:

The gradual decision to release the ongoing emotional grip that a painful event has on you.

It’s shifting from:
“This still controls me”
to
“This happened, and it hurt, but it doesn’t get to run my inner world anymore.”

It’s not about changing the past.
It’s about changing your relationship to the past.

Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard

When someone hurts us, it doesn’t just create one emotion — it creates a storm of them.

A transgression can bring up:

Anger
Sadness
Betrayal
Shame
Fear
Grief (for what you thought you had)
Loss of trust
Powerlessness
Confusion
Disappointment

So when you say, “I forgave them,” what often happens is:

You processed one layer — maybe the anger.
But a year later, grief surfaces.
Or the betrayal resurfaces.
Or a similar situation re-triggers the original wound.

That doesn’t mean you failed.

It means healing is layered.

Is Forgiveness a Process?

Yes. Almost always.

Forgiveness is rarely a single moment. It’s more like waves:

Shock or hurt
Anger
Replaying the story
Trying to understand
Grieving what was lost
Gradually loosening the emotional charge
Occasional flare-ups
Deeper peace over time

You don’t “arrive” at forgiveness once and stay there forever. You circle back, but each time the charge is usually smaller.

“But I Still Feel the Feelings…”

This is where many people think:

“I must not have really forgiven them.”

Not true.

Forgiveness does not erase emotion.
It reduces the intensity and control those emotions have.

You may still feel:

A twinge of sadness
A memory of anger
A wave of grief

But the difference is:

Before forgiveness:
The memory hijacks your body and mood.

After forgiveness (in progress):
You feel it… and it passes.

That’s growth.

How Do You Forgive the “Unforgivable”?

This is where forgiveness becomes less about the other person — and more about your nervous system and well-being.

Forgiveness here means:

Releasing the expectation that the past will be different
Letting go of the fantasy of justice that never came
Allowing yourself to grieve fully
Choosing not to relive the wound daily

It doesn’t mean you stop believing it was wrong.
It means you stop drinking the poison of reliving it over and over.

How Long Does Forgiveness Take?

There’s no timeline.

Small hurts: days or weeks
Deep betrayal: months or years
Major trauma: ongoing layers

Forgiveness follows the depth of the wound, not a calendar.

You’re not behind. You’re healing at the speed your system can handle.

How Do You Know You’ve Truly Forgiven?

Signs forgiveness is happening:

You can think about the event without your body going into full stress mode
You don’t rehearse the story as often
You stop needing others to agree with your pain
You feel more neutral than activated
You can wish yourself peace, even if you don’t wish them well

Forgiveness often feels less like a grand emotional moment and more like:

“This doesn’t run me anymore.”

What If the Anger Comes Back Later?

That doesn’t mean you’re a grudge-holder.

It means:

A new layer surfaced
Something triggered the old wound
You’re being invited to process deeper

When it comes back, try:

Not shaming yourself
Asking: “What part of this still hurts?”
Letting yourself feel it without feeding the story

Forgiveness sometimes happens in rounds.

You Are Not a Bad Person for Struggling

Holding onto pain is NOT a moral failure. It’s a protection strategy.

Your mind thinks:
“If I stay angry, I’ll never be hurt like that again.”

Forgiveness feels scary because it feels like lowering your guard.

But real forgiveness isn’t lowering boundaries.
It’s lowering the internal suffering.

Forgiveness vs. Boundaries (They Are Not the Same)

One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it requires reopening the door.

It doesn’t.

Forgiveness	Boundaries
Internal process	External action
Releases emotional burden	Protects your wellbeing
About peace inside you	About safety in your life
Can happen without contact	May require distance
Doesn’t mean trust is restored	Trust must be rebuilt, not assumed

You can forgive someone and:

Never speak to them again
Limit contact
Change the relationship dynamic
Decide they are no longer safe for you

Forgiveness heals your heart.
Boundaries protect your future.

Both can exist at the same time.

A Gentle Forgiveness Practice (For When You’re Ready)

Forgiveness isn’t something you force — it’s something you move toward in small emotional steps. This simple practice can help soften the internal grip of a painful memory.

Step 1: Name the Hurt Honestly
Instead of saying “It’s fine” or “I’m over it,” try:

“This hurt me. It mattered. And it changed something in me.”

Acknowledging pain is not the opposite of forgiveness — it’s the doorway to it.

Step 2: Identify What You’re Still Carrying
Ask yourself:

Am I still wanting an apology?
Justice?
Understanding?
Closure?

Sometimes we’re holding onto pain because we’re still waiting for something we may never receive.

Step 3: Shift the Focus Back to You
Gently ask:

“What would bring me peace now, even if nothing changes about them?”

That might be distance, boundaries, grieving, or simply deciding you don’t want this memory to run your emotional life.

Step 4: Release in Small Doses
You don’t have to forgive the whole event at once. Try:

“Today, I release a little bit of the anger.”
“Today, I release the need to replay it.”

Forgiveness often happens in layers, not leaps.

Journal Prompts for Processing Forgiveness

Writing helps emotions move instead of staying stuck. These prompts can guide deeper reflection:

What exactly hurt me about this situation?
What did I lose because of this? (Trust, safety, closeness, identity, etc.)
What emotions are still attached to this memory?
What part of me still feels unprotected?
If I fully released this resentment, what am I afraid would happen?
What boundaries would help me feel safe now?
What would healing look like for me, separate from them?

Sometimes forgiveness begins not with compassion for the other person — but compassion for yourself.

Final Truth About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about becoming a saint.

It’s about freeing your body from carrying yesterday’s injury into every tomorrow.

It’s messy. Nonlinear. Emotional. Slow.

And you are not alone in struggling with it.

You’re human — learning one of the hardest emotional skills there is.

Forgiveness is not about becoming someone who never feels anger or hurt again. It’s about becoming someone who no longer lives inside the injury.

Some days you’ll feel free. Some days the ache will return. That doesn’t mean you failed — it means healing is still unfolding.

Forgiveness is not a single decision.
It’s a relationship with your own healing.

And every time you choose not to let the past define your inner world, you are moving closer to peace. Hugs to you, we’ve got this!

Ryne and Pixie